Things I have come to realize over the last 9 weeks:
Every emotion, experience, opportunity and person has been intentionally put in my life for a reason.
It isn’t until I give up the need to produce results that I am able to create fully, intentionally and most powerfully and that discovery is a practice and will always be a thing to remember. After that, no thing stands in the way of me and creation.
The joy of sitting on the ground outside our house with Ramona is one of my greatest pleasures. Especially right now playing in the dirt, watching for bugs, waving to airlines flying by, seeing figures in the clouds and smelling flowers are particulary the grandest moments.
Having conversations on race and working towards ways in which will make a difference with Anthony is part of my life’s work.
Weeding the yard and watering our garden is a form of meditation for me.
Creating a ritual of nurturing my hair and really taking care of its roots, by way of massage and conditioning, has really offered such delight in taking showers. Aka, that whole idea of when I'm in the shower, take the shower = presence.
My work is needed and Chinese medicine is incredibly fancinating.
I always turned to the “organic” label on food as being reliable, up until recently. Questioning where our source of nutrients comes from and how it is produced is vital and research must be done to seek out true, untreated foods. A practice I have come to deeply appreciate.
I don’t have to eat meat anymore in fear that I will be anemic again. I just have to pay attention.
Love is the only thing that is real and today is a gift and the only thing that matters and most importantly, it is my responsibility to be a responsible person; To look in the face of discomfort in order to see things as they are and to be in action around the things I do not accept whether it be for myself, my family, my community, for human rights, for animal rights or for plant rights. As Mary Oliver has been quoted saying... " Listen--are you breathing just a little, and calling it a life?" -- We have all been placed here to make a difference... and know that as love, in its simplest and most potent form.
The way we are.
Our senses offer us all we ever need to know about how we ought to live our life.
For me, my ears and skin allow me to hear and feel the rain and find connection to our sky. The taste of my Mama's gravy provides the energy of home, that I am granted to now pass along to my girl. My eyes give me the gift of seeing the magnificence that is our earth every moment of every day and my eyes are wide and I am wake to the wonder. The sweet subtle smell of my Grandma's perfume reminds me of the memories of past blessings that provoke forward movements in my life. ... it is all so interconnected, always.
Soft and guided, we have the choice of how we make our way through this path of living and how we get to give it all away in the way of love or away in the way of separation.
I am learning in order to be anywhere, I have to be somewhere.
"Give up the thing you cannot give up. Unclench your hands; you don't have control anyway. Let life live you. Let yourself be breathed. The conditions will never be perfect." Laura McKowen
Laura posted this quote the other day and it struck a major cord for me. A very uncomfortable, unsettling cord that I didn’t realize until now has been holding me back from everything currently.. From being present, being in action, being in the flow of what is in front of my face. I have been too busy living in the “lack of” lifestyle. The quote smacked me in the face. It was an “oh shit”, “Thank God”, “okay what now” amplifying moment.
While I was pregnant, I committed to myself that my work as a new Mother would be created from a space of a “as lived” experience. Meaning, I would create life as it happens, not as I believe it to be or as I think it should be and I would say up until 6 weeks ago I had been 75% living it, in the trenches, in the beauty and in every emotion. Objectively, what I knew was that I wasn’t going back to my Marketing job downtown and that my roles as coach and teacher would become my ultimate focus outside of raising the seed and being with my family.
Coming back onto social media after removing myself for 3+ months, comparison mode activated and I soon began questioning what I am doing verse what I should be doing. To be specific my thoughts looked a lot like... "I want to be working more. I need to find a nanny for my child while my partner is working. Who am I to be only focus my attention at home when there is work to be done around what I want be up to for the world"... and the thoughts went on and on. I began questioning everything. My type A personality was in full effect and I found myself spiraling. I started planning, started creating goals and objectives that were not realistic for myself and not realistic for who I wanted to be for Ramona right now.
Since moving to Denver in 2016, a goal of mine has been to return to New Jersey and co-lead a 200 Teacher-Leadership Development Program with my friend and teacher and this summer presented itself to be the perfect opportunity for that goal to get created (so I thought!). The plan was, because partner wasn't coming until later, my child would either stay with my parents while I was at program, or better yet, she would be at program with me. Skip ahead to Day 1 of program where Ramona very clearly wanted her Mama and also did not want to be at program. I have to tell you, that was a hard pill to swallow being how much I wanted to contribute and participate... proving how I could not do it all. It was the first time since Ramona was born that I knew that there was no separation between home and work. I have one life, one job that I have been given and in order to be anywhere, I had to be somewhere and that somewhere is with my child who God chose to send to me so that I may in and for this world in a much greater way. I have been given time to nurture and be nurtured by her, to do my holy work with her and be in my practice as it ebbs and flows with my girl.
God has been talking and I know I haven't been listening. I am listening now though. There is no halfway house when it comes to being on a Spiritual Basis. I remember now. There is nothing to compare myself nor is there anything to go back to. I have been given this life to create it from scratch with my partner and child, with our people and all who want to wander with us. I thank my child for being my greatest teacher and most sacred muse. There is nothing else left but to begin from there with each decision, each choice.
My hope is that you, the one reading this will give yourself permission to write your own script if you haven't, pick it back up if you forgot it, or create a new one if you what you are doing isn't working. We are the beginnings and ends to our life's stories and everyone you have met and will ever meet is ready for you to live you to the fullest.
Going Offline.
Week 35, Day 5.
This journey into motherhood cannot be explained or described in words. What I can say about my experience thus far is that it has been a complete love affair with my seed growing within me and the most adventurous, unpredictable, emotional time with my mind and body as I continue to watch it transform into a container of growth. It has transcended the cocoon and depth of connection I have for my husband, redefined the way I love my family and has transported me into a space and time that is raw, unfamiliar and incredibly liberating.
It has sharpened the way my eyes meet other human beings. It has reconfirmed the magnitude of my importance, my work and the holiness and sacredness of the world and the wonder that is. It has led me to here where I will pause, let go, let in and be.
In 3 days I will be going offline until June. This time away will give me the final month of my pregnancy and the first 1.5 months of motherhood distraction free. I am excited to get connected to what is in and around my physical space and be present with this incredible transition. I have taken 4 days off from social media, even a month but I have never taken almost 3 months away.
Technology has become incredibly integrated in my life and I am feeling equally curious and excited about what life will be like without it for a while. I am ready to focus my attention to my studentship and the work that I am creating, connecting to my body, our baby, Anthony, and our community. It is time to pull the energy inward. Close off the distractions of social media to drop deeper and create new space to listen to these natural rhythms within me. In the meantime, as all of our lives continue to unfold, I very much look forward to returning to stories both shared and witnessed.
The Universe continues to provide signs that it is time. Time to savor every intimate moment with my child during her descent out of the womb. As these are the last few days of witnessing my beautiful belly grow and the last few weeks of feeling and watching the movements underneath my skin I am left in a state of amazement and wonder. I turn to these final moments to create a sacred story of what is now, what is present.
Nan, what you’ve taught me about 'being with' today.
Waking up this morning in anticipation to call in and give my eulogy at my Nanny’s funeral this afternoon, I couldn’t help but feel both connected and also a great sense of loneliness being miles upon miles away from our family in New Jersey.
On Wednesday morning, our Nan left this earth to join our Poppop and Uncle back at home in the heavens. My first instinct was to get on a plane to be with and for my family for that has always been the way of handling death. To mourn with the people I love the most, share stories and be with the community that has surrounded us our entire lives. After deciding to stay here by the mountains, at our home as we prepare for our little girl's arrival, the inquiry around what it means to “be with” for me became redefined.
Physically, I knew I was not going to be with my father to hold him, to remind him of the love his Mama will always and forever hold for him in life and in death. I was going to hold the hands of my brother and Mem and be surrounded by the love I hold so dear as we all transition into a new way of connecting to Nan.
What I am learning is being with someone, being for someone doesn’t mean I need to be physically by there side. It doesn’t mean we have share bread once a week or be in their presence as much as I’d like to. Being with someone means loving them, unconditionally and being a stand for their well being, for their growth, for their spirit to continue on in the way they are meant to flourish and know that no matter what, their spirit stands beside me, as mine stands besides them. In the actions we make, the thoughts we have, in the love we give and in the process of becoming throughout our lives.
Over shared phone conversations, FaceTime calls, family prayer sessions and the remembering of what the power of love holds with my little family here and our extended family there, today we get to hold the space for the ones we love as they hold the space for the us.
May you be reminded of the space you hold and of the extrinsic power you have to love and be loved without limits or boundaries for the vastness of love is forever unbound and interweaved throughout us all.
I Become.
The choice to begin anything starts with a clear understanding of what I want. In creating a family, building a business, developing relationships and understanding failures are my greatest accomplishments have been the pinnacle of where my learning has been over the last seven months. What our little girl inside me has taught me is that this life that I have created is forever in my favor. In last month’s study session of A Course in Miracles, the group spoke to the concept of how life is happening for us, not to us and like everything else, it is a choice of whether or not to believe in that or not.
Are you choosing to believe that everything that has ever happened in your life, happened for you, not to you? As a gift and privilege rather than a pitfall on your path?
For me, I believe everything serves a purpose, everyone serves as a teacher and every decision I make creates a ripple effect in my life. It is, of course, a practice that I whole heartedly believe in practicing.
Everything has been put on my plate due to a decision I have made or a circumstance I have made the choice to be put in. The situations that don’t seem to be my doing? They have been given to me to do something with, to perpetuate a new outcome that may be out of the norm, may seem uncomfortable and may ask me to be brave.
Who are you becoming, knowing that all of the hardships and all the beauty that life has given you has created the you that you are today? What would be possible if you chose to believe everything, literally all things that are happening in your life are happening for you, as an opportunity to thrive in and stem out of?
The First Session Began With Me
Yesterday I posted this photograph of myself after practice at Raj Yoga + Meditation.
If I could choose a photograph that tells my story best it would be this one right here.
When I was 12 years old I had my Bat Mitzvah and as my Mama and Papa do best, they nurtured my desire to get dolled up in preparation of that day, including getting my hair down and my eyebrows waxed for the first time. A simple shift, a change in grooming habits I suppose I could say that would lead to a spiral of pain and deep understanding of what is meant to find peace within.
After that first eyebrow waxing, I found myself plucking my eyebrows with tweezers, then picking my eyebrows for years. It became an abrupt shift from day one and a noticeable nervous coping mechanism, a way to release my stress, a physical activity that caused pain and also relief. Years of eyebrow makeup and face makeup to cover something that I felt couldn’t be stopped. Eye contact became hard especially during high school for I felt people were always noticing my distorted appearance and judging me which made me feel small.
Although the closest people in my life were aware of what was happening, it was something I tried to hide, I attempted to cover up, to mask away and in turn hoped it would go away. During my first 200HR teacher training in 2013, I shared the truth. The truth of what I was hiding and acknowledged that although my obsession didn’t look serious to what people shared with me, it was something that kept me from connecting me to myself. It kept me disconnected to what I felt was beautiful , to what I felt made me whole. The pain lessened as I shared, as I stopped covering the blank space above my eyes and began embracing myself, embracing the struggle that I was dealing with and promising myself that I would try. To work on choosing ease over pain and little by little over the past 5 years I have been able to heal.
During the last seven months as our baby girl continue to grow and evolve within, she continues to show me a new way to nurture my body, embrace change and show me the true meaning of what it means to love, starting with myself.
There is nothing to hide and as I see myself, I see my light and I know that it begins within.
I ask you to trust, to believe you are able to overcome any struggle that may seem completely overwhelming. We all have stories that have distorted the way we see ourselves and in order to rise above, we must first be able to recognize the problem.
This life, your life is too precious to settle for what is when you know and want what could be, even when it seems but only a flicker of light that you cannot touch. You hold the map, the compass and the light to lead the way to your greatest discovery yet.
Be willing and know.