"Give up the thing you cannot give up. Unclench your hands; you don't have control anyway. Let life live you. Let yourself be breathed. The conditions will never be perfect." Laura McKowen
Laura posted this quote the other day and it struck a major cord for me. A very uncomfortable, unsettling cord that I didn’t realize until now has been holding me back from everything currently.. From being present, being in action, being in the flow of what is in front of my face. I have been too busy living in the “lack of” lifestyle. The quote smacked me in the face. It was an “oh shit”, “Thank God”, “okay what now” amplifying moment.
While I was pregnant, I committed to myself that my work as a new Mother would be created from a space of a “as lived” experience. Meaning, I would create life as it happens, not as I believe it to be or as I think it should be and I would say up until 6 weeks ago I had been 75% living it, in the trenches, in the beauty and in every emotion. Objectively, what I knew was that I wasn’t going back to my Marketing job downtown and that my roles as coach and teacher would become my ultimate focus outside of raising the seed and being with my family.
Coming back onto social media after removing myself for 3+ months, comparison mode activated and I soon began questioning what I am doing verse what I should be doing. To be specific my thoughts looked a lot like... "I want to be working more. I need to find a nanny for my child while my partner is working. Who am I to be only focus my attention at home when there is work to be done around what I want be up to for the world"... and the thoughts went on and on. I began questioning everything. My type A personality was in full effect and I found myself spiraling. I started planning, started creating goals and objectives that were not realistic for myself and not realistic for who I wanted to be for Ramona right now.
Since moving to Denver in 2016, a goal of mine has been to return to New Jersey and co-lead a 200 Teacher-Leadership Development Program with my friend and teacher and this summer presented itself to be the perfect opportunity for that goal to get created (so I thought!). The plan was, because partner wasn't coming until later, my child would either stay with my parents while I was at program, or better yet, she would be at program with me. Skip ahead to Day 1 of program where Ramona very clearly wanted her Mama and also did not want to be at program. I have to tell you, that was a hard pill to swallow being how much I wanted to contribute and participate... proving how I could not do it all. It was the first time since Ramona was born that I knew that there was no separation between home and work. I have one life, one job that I have been given and in order to be anywhere, I had to be somewhere and that somewhere is with my child who God chose to send to me so that I may in and for this world in a much greater way. I have been given time to nurture and be nurtured by her, to do my holy work with her and be in my practice as it ebbs and flows with my girl.
God has been talking and I know I haven't been listening. I am listening now though. There is no halfway house when it comes to being on a Spiritual Basis. I remember now. There is nothing to compare myself nor is there anything to go back to. I have been given this life to create it from scratch with my partner and child, with our people and all who want to wander with us. I thank my child for being my greatest teacher and most sacred muse. There is nothing else left but to begin from there with each decision, each choice.
My hope is that you, the one reading this will give yourself permission to write your own script if you haven't, pick it back up if you forgot it, or create a new one if you what you are doing isn't working. We are the beginnings and ends to our life's stories and everyone you have met and will ever meet is ready for you to live you to the fullest.